AFRICAN RICE HEART.

Showing posts with label MFA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MFA. Show all posts

confession and asking for help.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” -Brené Brown

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

I've been writing this critical paper (insert cringe---->for 2 months) for school...25 pages, and its still not done. I've never experienced this in school--where I absolutely don't know how to proceed (except once in Organic Chemistry...there was a lot of crying.) Where I feel so overwhelmed by what I do have down that I can't do much with it. I keep telling myself, "Just crank it out Emily, just do it! Like you did in college! The night a paper was due I'd whip out 10 pages no problem!" But for some reason this paper has felt so much harder. And even though I'm in school and in a program where I'm supposed to be making mistakes so that I know I'm in to new territory, I have just been holding out, waiting for the paper to "come," wanting to do it on my own, not wanting to ask for help.  My writing mentor even said a bit ago that if I got stuck, to send her what I have and she would give me some feedback.  But the thing is I've been hating what I have!  So I haven't wanted to send it to her! I find myself wanting to be the student who turns in an awesome paper without writing a letter to the teacher saying they are stuck and that they don't know how to proceed. I have been wanting to do it without help. That's what has been holding me back: two things really--my ego and the fact that disappointing people feels so, so bad.  Kati always tells me, "You're not disappointing anyone!" She says that its in my own head, which I'm trying to remember.

The thing I always forget is that confession feels so, so good.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” -Brené Brown

Sharman,

Hope you are doing well. I'm writing you to confess that I've been struggling on this critical paper and kept thinking that "it would come" and that I could get it done on my own and have something I was proud of to send you, but then yesterday I just kind of realized that its not coming, and that you're my teacher and that's why you are here! I'm finishing some work stuff but I am wondering if we could talk on the phone tonight.

I should have written you much sooner, but my pride got in the way... :/


Thanks,
Emily

I feel a lot lighter.  I still have so much to write, and don't know how to write it, but I don't feel like I'm carrying it on my own anymore.

the papers that don't last.

I've been working on this paper that is already really late. I've been working so hard but the thing only seems to be coming at a rate of maybe a small paragraph an hour--painful! Sometimes I have these moments where I get discouraged and think that maybe the whole thing is bad and maybe the thing I should do is just SCRAP IT ALL. But nothing is ever all bad; that's something I know. And most often, the it's-all-bad kind-of-vision comes when I just need a break.

I keep the sliding glass door that leads out onto the patio open while I work so I can be a part of the day as it passes through a series of light changes; from high-sun with stark shadows, to the evening yellow slipping in through the orange tree branches, to the blue-sky-gone-red of sunset, to the final dark that renders my eyes useless and my ears everything--crickets!

Ahhhh, shoot!  I haven't gotten to the part where I was gonna say how grateful I am. But my good friend Phil is going to be here any second and we're going running. So you'll just have to believe me; papers are just passing projects, but the stuff that is lasting has been flowing at a rate faster than I even need...a thing that leaves me grateful.

doing hard work.

Sometimes, when something needs to get done, you just have to do the hard work--or even, if you don't really know how to start the specific work or where a specific assignment needs to go, it can be helpful to just somehow get yourself, or your body, to simply work hard. Any form of working hard will do.

So tonight, I thought about starting my homework by going outside to my neighbor Todd's punching bag. Then, I remembered how one night a few months ago I heard Todd taking out a frightening amount of aggression like that, his fists flying and all I could think was how that was the sound of someone hitting someone! (Even though it wasn't.) The sound creeped me out, and so, tonight, I decided against doing the hard work of punching.

Instead, I sat down at my writing desk and read someone else's hard work. I find that when I do that, I can get just enough motivation to start working hard myself, and by that, in the case of writing, I mean typing something--or at least starting to type, which is kind of like getting yourself to somehow start working hard when you can't make yourself do a specific hard work.


Immersion Writing: Nickel and Dimed.

A couple of my professors at Antioch recommended the book Nickel and Dimed, saying that in the world of immersion writing, it was kind of the bar--a classic. I had just recently finished reading Robin Hemley's Field Guide to Immersion Writing, a book that had given me a solid base of language to put to those kinds of writing that I've loved for a long time, but always struggled to explain to people. Hemley divided immersion writing into two main categories saying,

"The difference between immersion journalism and immersion memoir is that an immersion journalist is primarily interested in reporting on the world outside herself while using the self as the vehicle for that information. The immersion memoirist is interested in self-revelation or evaluation while using the outside world as his/her vehicle."

Nickel and Dimed is a book of immersion journalism; the author, Barbara Ehrenreich, uses her self as a vehicle through which she can explore the larger issues faced by America's working class--those who live on minimum wage, most often working more than one job, and struggling to afford housing and pay their bare-bone-bills.

To do this, Ehrenreich decides that she will spend three months living and working within that reality; she would work in Florida, Maine and Minnesota, seeking out the cheapest options for housing in an attempt to survive on the 6-7 dollar an hour wages of jobs such as housekeeping, waitressing, and working as a nursing-home aide.

Ehrenreich starts the book with a prologue in which she 'fesses up to her privilege--to her "leg-up" on those who live without the knowledge that after three months they can return to a life where its okay to lose nickels and dimes or toss them in fountains. She writes, "I was only visiting a world that others inhabit full-time, often for most of their lives. With all the real-life assets I've built up in middle age--bank account, IRA, health insurance, multi-room home--waiting indulgently in the background, there was no way I was going to "experience poverty" or find out how it "really feels" to be a long-term low-wage worker."

Ehrenreich's introduction was largely confessional, full of slightly self-effacing humor, and most importantly, provided the reader a clear understanding of what the book and project would hopefully do--and also, what it would fail to do. Observing the way a vulnerable prologue like Ehrenriech's can disarm a skeptical audience convinced me that this is the way I want to approach immersion writing. I remember a quote by Hemley that said something has helped me process my self-consciousness in writing about the self and my fear of sounding egotistical. He said, "To write honestly about the Self more often takes courage and generosity than egoism." Immersion journalists can use a focus on the self in a selfless manner--and IF he or she does it right and well and without secretly preserving pride or padding the ego, that act is going to require guts and will arrive to the reader as a gift.

Additionally, Ehrenrheich's prologue supplied the reader with an upfront rundown of the project's limitations, allowing the reader to more readily accept, instead of resent, the ways that immersion writing will always fail to unveil the absolute reality of another person.

Not only is the experience of an immersion writer influenced by the fact that the writer is only visiting, but the writer's observations of the foreign world are also suspect to the his or her biases such as background and worldview. In my college anthropology class, we learned that there is something called "confirmation bias" where an investigator sees things that he or she already believes and pays a lot of attention to those, ignoring the things that do not support his or her objectives. As devious as that sounds, it often is done unconsciously. One way that Ehrenreich combats confirmation bias is by pairing her experience with solid research, using heavy footnotes to show the reader that what she is experiencing is not a solitary event or an isolated viewpoint.

For many immersion writers, the best possible scenario is that they would enter an environment as a fly on the wall. Now, that's not to say that the writer would be invisible—in fact, the most compelling scenes in immersion writing seem to happen when the writer is thick, middle of things, interacting with fellow humans in their natural setting (all thought the setting may be very unnatural to you)—people who are just doing their thing.

I’ve wondered how dramatically the effectiveness of immersion writing would decrease if the writer's secret role of "writer" were to be found out by those he or she is writing about. I found it so interesting that before Ehrenreich quits her job at The Maids, where she had been an employee of the cleaning service, she decides to tell her fellow maids that she is actually working on writing a book and that she is going to write about her experiences cleaning. When Ehrenreich tells her secret, the announcement attracts so little attention that she has to repeat herself. Finally one of the women asked, "Are you like, investigating?" and then cracks up laughing, saying that the "place could use some investigating!" The group seemed take it so casually and well, nobody articulating a sense of being lied to at all.

At that point, with her real identity revealed, Ehrenreich is able to ask more pointed, journalistic questions. Traditional journalism, in that instance, provided Ehrenreich with some more direct answers to some questions she'd been trying to get at subtly during her experience.

Even though traditional journalism seems to access answers more directly, its methods also have limitations. For example, subjects’ own biases will affect his or her answers—as will the desire of the subject to save face. Traditional journalism doesn't allow someone the benefit of being a fly on the wall, and certainly not of a bee in the hive. For these reasons, I keep coming back to my mysterious love for immersion writing and the way that, although it harvests a limited frame of information, it gleans something that feels rare in today’s individualistic society: an understanding of how the land looks when standing in another person's shoes.

I just find myself wanting to live in as many homeless shelters as I can or spend a few weeks in a retirement home living like an old-fogie.  It makes me want to step into so many "other" worlds!

notes in class with Susan Orlean.




































Yesterday in class, Susan Orlean, who is a staff writer at The New Yorker writing all kinds of things ranging from slice of life pieces to long books of immersion journalism said, "Try your best to de-mystify the act of writing....instead, clock-in and do the work."

I mystify everything (writing and life) lately--or to say it differently, I wait for everything to feel right, to feel inspired, or perhaps, to simply feel easy. And so yesterday, I found myself listening to Susan Orlean like I do Sara Groves--taking her words to heart.

Don't get me wrong...

I still believe in inspiration--that it arrives and carries us with incredible energy;
I still believe in special, soulful connections between humans--that they exist and stand out above the rest; 
And I still believe in grace--in an unearned, undeserved mercy which we're always trying to work for, but which doesn't work that way.

I definitely still believe in things that can't be worked for, things we must wait for, things that simply arrive.

But yesterday in class, when Susan Orlean had me listening so well and taking everything to heart, I was reminded that I also believe in the kind of hard work that guards that space inside me where inspiration, connection and grace will arrive and will be received.

principles.

I've been here in LA for writing school again. I left the apartment the other night without a helmet but didn't realize it until I had peddled halfway down Jefferson St. where the bike lane is suddenly taken over by parked cars, pushing bikers out into traffic. I am usually okay with some risk. But I was surprised at how easy it was to decide to turn around and go get the helmet. It felt as easy as deciding not to steal. Or deciding to tell the truth. It felt good like it feels when you do the right thing.

Home and the Search for Water.

A DAY IN THE FIELDS.  ARMELLE'S ARMS FELT LIKE THEY'D POP OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS. 
Probably the only thing I've written this semester that I feel any attachment to is an essay that came together in the past few weeks. It's called Home and the Search for Water. Every month I meet with my mentor and every month its been same. I preface our conversation with an email that says something like, "Erin, I am struggling," and when we talk I expound.

"I've run out of things to write about." 
"I can't tell full stories anymore."
"Everything I write feels dry, dispassionate."

We've met a couple of times at this 50's diner called Pann's in East LA close to where she lives. The place is decked out in red vinyl seating and there is a long bar where people eat meals alone without having to be alone if that makes sense. Pann's serves good breakfast all day and while we're waiting for the good food I sip their bad coffee from a porcelain mug.

Erin tells me to be kind to myself. She says half of writing is thinking and so if I'm thinking then I should trust that the writing is on its way. I totally agree, and then I totally don't--which is the case with most wise lines and metaphors, but nonetheless, it's been a ticket of grace for me these last months. Maybe in the last week or so, however, I've started to see things I can write about here--and even better, reasons for writing them. I've been telling myself that experiencing something sometimes means experiencing the lack of things--that droughts are as changing to the landscape as storms. And so, along with the ticket of grace that Erin has issued me each month, I've been trying to take a front row ticket to life in the dry-zone, the flat land.

I blame part of the struggle to write on the fact that I've been struggling to define, or make, or find a home...a struggle that breaks down to some of the most basic things like making sure I drink water. I haven't been sure if its defining, making, of finding that has to happen, but I know what it feels like to be homesick and how it either A) produces a desire to run to where my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings live, or B) unroots me and makes me want something new, something faraway. The more I unpack it, the more I think that at the core is a desire for purpose. When I feel purposeful, I don't feel like I need to go anywhere. I've always felt pretty grounded when I was dating someone, in a relationship, and I always feel grounded when I am with family. Family will forever be a purpose of mine. And I know that's why I get the impulse to wrap up the California map, say "See ya later " and move back to Washington. 

So I am grounded by relationship it seems.  I need someone to need me to be somewhere, or else I'm gonna think I should go somewhere else. That is my theory at this point. I could be wrong. 

If I were talking to my best friend TaraB about something that neither of us were %100 percent sure about, she'd phrase it like this. She'd say, "Em, I wonder if...." and then suggest a reason or solution.  I like it when she starts like that because it makes me feel like we're trying to understand the science of something. It makes me feel like what we discover might be disproved later or get bigger than we thought--that there will always be more to know and yet, or perhaps, precisely for that reason, we should talk about it anyway. That is how I feel about writing most of the time. I feel like most metaphors breakdown and most essays have some angle that destroys them and yet we have to throw ideas into forms so we can feel the way they do not fit and know more about the shape of them. We have to put something down so we can say, "Mmmm" or "Ehhhh...." 

So yeah, wowsa, getting off track, but I feel like I can only hedge at this idea of home and yet I've been told that hedging at things is the heart of sharing. So I hedge. I have been wondering if.....I committed more time and energy into my relationship with God, I'd find more purpose, feel more at home. You're probably thinking, "Nice, Emily--that's a classic." And it is.

"He is my shelter."  
"He is my fortress."

But I'm talking more about truly figuring out more ways to be in daily relationship with God, maybe even just being more aware of his presence and in that, feeling at home, feeling grounded. I know I'm just hedging and writing and throwing around bad metaphors and that what really sorts this kind of stuff out is putting theories into practice. For example, it's like the bread-maker I bought today at the thrift store. It was a good idea when I bought it for 8 bucks. But now that there is a loaf of rosemary bread in my kitchen, it is clearly a good bread maker. Ok. Horrible metaphor. I wanna erase it, but I also wanted to write about my new bread maker, and I've been trying to think of a way to work it in this whole post! I wish I could cut my bread up and share with you all. Come on over if you're in town! 
Love Emily

quiet mornings.

PHOTO:  YOSEMITE.
At this hour, with the wood of this old desk holding the weight of all the things that need to be done by Friday, it's not hard to misunderstand early mornings--to mistake them for a harsh little winter in every single day. But that misconception only lasts the first ten minutes--when I'm inching my warm legs out from under the covers, letting them fall to the floor. Once I'm upright and awake, I hear the silence that I really do need and I feel grateful.
“The problem is acceptance, which is something we're taught not to do. We're taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. But if you accept the reality that you have been given--that you are not in a productive creative period--you free yourself to begin filling up again.” Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life
Evan and I started school at 5:30 a.m. here at Starbucks. The sun is flowing in over the trees from the east, as is the wind. The barista this morning is exceptionally forgetful. He reminds me of me, actually--well-intentioned, but seriously single-track-minded. Evan and I laugh at the way the the barista takes notes down in pen on his palms and then still forgets our orders.

the productivity of receiving.

It's morning and I want so badly to be productive.
But I don't mean that I want the product of an eight hour day,
or the pay off of a hard sweat--no.
I don't want to pull a snake from a hole by his tail
or rip a star fish from her ocean rock.
I don't want to cut hours into minutes
or divide my attention between the hundreds of voices
that "know" how to complete this life.

I don't want to force the next thing.

I want to run my fingers over things I cannot see,
over the heights and depths of days
and know them like braille.

I want to hold out my hand and receive.

kissing through a screen door.

My first writing mentor at Antioch was a straight shooter when it came to communicating. I never had to wonder about what he really thought. He'd tell everyone exactly how he saw things--a trait I liked, but also wanted to tame. Sometimes he came across so harsh!

I remember reading the first round of feedback from him back in January and thinking, "Is he talking about my writing, or about my living?" And that's just the thing about it. The two are so connected.

I was in LA last night and met with my new mentor (we change every six months.) We talked about Joan Didion and how her earlier stuff is different than the stuff she's writing now. My mentor fumbled around to find the words, finally saying, "She was still really good back then, but she was more....verbose for sure, more..." She couldn't find the exact words for it but I understood. I understood that what she was saying was that writing changes. It grows. In some ways it becomes better and in some ways it loses something initial, something special. And even now, I find myself asking myself, "Am I talking about writing? Or am I talking about living?"

Packet One, January 21, 2012
Emily,

As you’ll see from my marginal notes, I feel that as a whole this piece suffers from certain anxieties you
seem to have as a writer—first and foremost, a need to “do something” clever with your material, rather than approach it more directly and sincerely. There are so many conceits operating in this piece, often clashing and conflicting, but in any case serving to distance me, your reader, from the experiences you wish to convey. You want to tell a story about that experience, and yet on the other hand you seem not to want to tell it, but rather to wish to distance yourself from it through the elaborate conceits.

The end result is like smoking a cigarette with three filters, or kissing through a screen door. I’m kept at such a remove for the genuine, immediate, authentic experience that I can’t taste, touch, smell, feel, or see clearly much of this intrinsically sensual and exotic material.

One problem—perhaps the main problem—is you’re really not sure what you want to say...and so to make up for it, or to conceal that fact from yourself and your readers, you concoct these elaborate conceits and devices. But the smoke and mirrors won’t wash. I want a story; I want a theme.

Start again, blank document, from scratch.
This will be a wonderful essay.
I hope this helps!

The Year of Magical Thinking.

Joan Didion’s book The Year of Magical Thinking recounts the events that took place, both in her mind and life, during the year following her husband’s fatal cardiac arrest. Early in the book, Didion writes about her attempt to clear out her husband’s closet a few months after he was gone. She packed up bags and bags of clothes and belongings to be donated to the local thrift store, but when she went to take the last of her husband’s shoes out the door, she found herself resistant to the act. It is then that she realized that subconsciously she believed that, at the right time, he would come back to her. That belief was the reason for her hesitancy. “He would need shoes if he was to return.”

This is one of the first delusions that Didion confesses to. It is the one that sets the stage for an account of grief that is deeply reflective, complicated, honest, and void of any 7-step-formula framework. Didion refers to that first year of grieving, full of its illogical perspectives as, The Year of Magical Thinking.

I noticed immediately the way that Didion utilizes the word “recall” in her writing, as if “recalling” were the way she wrote the book. That word gave her style a feeling of delusion itself, as if she couldn’t always be sure of the things she was writing, couldn’t be sure that the facts were as she remembered them or if the chronology was accurate. Her wording and the voice that it imposed earned my trust, not because I trusted that she was accurate, or sensible, but because I could sense that this writer, was a woman truly shaken by grief, one who grieved so deeply it caused her to be delusional.

Didion and other writers who have written with incredible honesty have taught me this; A writer who truly owns their absurdity allows a reader to approach their own, and maybe own it, which seems to be the first step towards moving through it.

The pay-off of this story came at the end for me. In my own writing I am prone to comment on events and to insert morals that lead a reader easily to the altar (insert sarcastic tone---->) where they can pick up their blessing. But Didion refrained from doing this. She instead drew consistent arrows in the direction she was taking us. She repeated phrases, repeated words, referenced the same events, came back to the same memories. Then, in chapter 17, a few chapters from the end, there is a shift. Didion begins to write in present tense, from the ‘now’ and that shift gives her voice a much more informed tone. In fact, in the last chapters there is a sense that she has all of a sudden become wise because of her experiences and where her tone before had been confused, matter of fact, and delusional, she is then able to go beyond "recalling” and begins to “reflect.” It is not that she all of a sudden has resolution about the death or that the feelings of loss are all of a sudden comprehensible, but she begins to be able to reflect on them instead of only recalling them, documenting them, counting days, and numbers, recalling medicines, and times. The pay off felt like getting sit down to dinner with someone after having watched them fight a long battle on a television screen. It was like Didion finally regained consciousness, looked me in the eyes, talked to me.

With one strong and final image, Didion closes the book. It is yet another recollection of she and her husband. They are swimming in a cave that is connected to the ocean. The swells wash into the cave and if you time it right, Didion explains, you can ride the swells out and into the ocean. Didion remembers always being afraid that she would time it wrong, miss the wave, be crushed onto rock. She says that her husband was never afraid. She remembers him saying that you had to feel the swell change. You had to go with the change.

And although I was, the whole time, anticipating the moment when she would know that her husband was gone—dead, it in the end was not so much about his death becoming final to her as it was about moving with the swell, moving with the change.

prone to rounding up.



I came across two perfectly kept feathers on page 53 of Joan Didion's book The Year of Magical Thinking, which I picked up at a used bookstore in Spokane a few months ago. One feather was a good four inches tall and the other, just a skinny two. I keep on looking over at them, thinking about, if by chance the bird might still be alive, or not. He must be dead, since this book was printed in 2005, and birds have lifespans that directly correlate to their size (small feathers, small bird, short-lifespan) and yet, I am prone to rounding up when values are in question, and so, I assign more value to the feathers by believing that he is out there flying, or perching while I am bookmarking Joan Didion with pieces of him.

Joan Didion still looks sad in the photo on the back of her book, which is largely about the year after her husband died of a heart-attack. He chipped his tooth when he fell, a detail which somehow made the scene concrete to me.

Someone in the publisher’s office must have known that I might need to see Joan Didion's face when it was looking long, and to see it in black and white, the way it is printed inside the cover. There is a shine in her eyes, too--a glass, that could have been added or enhanced in the media room, but is there nonetheless, and has me convinced that she is good at crying; that if we were in person and could talk about the people who were lost to us, that there would be enough wetness there to pour down over her cheeks, spilling over her lips and into her mouth, which, by the way, runs wider than most women’s mouths I know. I just keep on thinking, why do her lips look so long? They remind me of a shoreline, and not one that is part of a bay. But it is probably an illusion. Her lips probably don’t span much more of her face than do mine, but something about them feels coastal. And now that I rambling this out, I think it's the way her mouth takes so long to curve up at its ends. SLASH THAT. It never really curves up at its ends. It is, somewhere behind itself, resistant to smiling. I get the feeling that her mouth will run on and on and on in the easterly and westerly directions, and that the ends will never come up; that she might never smile again...but I still have to finish the book, so we'll see. She looks like herself, though--or at least, as I know her from what I've read.

I will leave the feathers between pages 52 and 53, because the pages are creased there, and I think the feathers are special there. And I am prone to rounding up when values are in question.

traveling mercies.

Back in June, a few days before my friend Sarah and I were going to drive from CA to WA, I wrote to Anne Lamott and asked if she might have time to meet for lunch when we passed through her city. I wrote the letter on a night when I felt so light. A night when for some reason, my legs felt especially strong. I don't think I locked the door or set an alarm for the morning. It was one of those nights when you feel so strongly that none of your family or friends will ever die on you, a night when the inevitable seems resistible, preventable. And when the world seemed to be so on my side why wouldn't I write to Anne?  I wrote,

Dear Miss Lamott,
My name is Emily and I'm an MFA student at Antioch University.  I'm studying Creative Non-Fiction. My friend Sarah and I are driving from LA to Washington State. We want to fill our drive with meaningful stops, and taking you to lunch would be a real treat! I know you're as busy as ever and I am having trouble articulating such a request, but someone told me to never be shy of making friends with people you admire. If you have time, we will be driving through San Francisco on June 25 or 26. Would there be any time in your schedule to meet for coffee, food, and a chat? We would love it.  Sincerely, Emily

Reading it now, I feel the impulse to slap a hand on my forehead and tightly shut my eyes. Did I really write to Anne Lamott to schedule a lunch date?!? Did I really say it would be a real treat?!?

And you may disagree, but I believe that impulsive action was not a result of any absurdity in me, but rather a result of Lamott's writing through which she offers her most true self to her readers. What causes a writer to have such an approachable feel to them? To somehow get so close to their reader that the reader is ready to sit down for coffee, food, and a chat?   Oh gosh.

This is probably the element of Lamott's writing I admire most.  She's allowed people into many of the crummiest parts of her past and present. I think that a large part of developing a voice that invites people in, is figuring out your authentic self and always writing from that most honest place. It makes the process of coming to terms with beliefs, regrets, desires, and grudges essential to writing. Not only do you need to be able to articulate those things, but you must be able to be completely transparent about them for that invitation to come through.  It's like Lamott follows all her confessions with, "You know?"

I struggle with wanting to please people, wanting them to see me in a certain light, wanting my family and friends to always think well of me, and unless I continue working past that place of fear, it could very well keep my writing from ever having that transparent feel, an inviting one.

Lamott's writing style has an almost rambling feel to it, connecting thoughts with conjunction after conjunction. Some have criticized her style for those reasons. But I loved what she said in response to that in a recent interview.  She wrote,

People are going to think what they think. It's called "another thing I have no control over." A lot of writers, publishers, and book reviewers think, "I'm too this or too that, or too confessional or too casual," you know? You can't get bogged down. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get people to like you or come around to your way of thinking.

Reading more of Lamott's books would be good for me.  Just a few paragraphs a day, to stay reminded of a voice that challenges me to be more honest in my own.

P.S.  Anne never wrote back.  :)

writer's block.

PHOTO: STRIKE
I've been working really hard,
but it's just not going so well.
Deadline tomorrow. 
What to do...
Sigh.

the boldness of lyrics.

It's so hot in our mobile home--like sweat-as-you-sleep-hot, no AC.  Sometimes it keeps me awake at night, which I said earlier I don't really mind. The heat, the neighbor's music, the trains every few hours, and our neighbor Toni's blaring porch lamp. I am awake until eleven, midnight, one even. Last night I turned on Noah Gundersen, whose lyrics I get, though they are much bolder than my people pleasing-self could ever write.

Noah sings,

Cause it eats at me sometimes
The more you struggle
More you fight it
More it clings to you at night
The more you wonder
More you dream
The more you pray it starts to die
And it does
Though it kicks you in the side
Yes it does
Though it takes a little time

--Moss on a Rolling Stone, Noah Gundersen

His songs...well, he's got so many good ones.  And he's playing in Los Angeles in August.

My writing mentor this semester is an ex-LA Times journalist.  She's passionate, honest, and articulate, tackling issues of race with fearlessness. In her comments to me a few days ago, she talked about a piece where I was hedging at something, laying down safe statements that kept a bit of distance, instead of inserting exactly what I meant.  It is hard to be totally honest, totally specific. I am much more likely to make the reader read the words and read me.

My mentor said,

This is where Emily the person has to defer to Emily the writer—whereas the real people-pleasing you wouldn’t impose your opinion or reflection on someone, the writer can and must tell us what she really thinks to make things clear to herself, and to the reader.

I am going to look at a small back-packing harp tomorrow in West Covina that I found on craigslist. And maybe with it on my lap, I'll write more boldly, like Noah Gundersen.

a book list.

Here's a list of books that I'm planning to read this semester.

The Good Body, Eve Ensler 
The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion
Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott
Running the Rift, Naomi Benaron
Travels with Charley: In Search of America, John Steinbeck
Wild, Cheryl Strayed
And Still We Rise, Miles Corwin
How to Be Alone, Jonathan Franzen
The Warmth of Other Suns, Isabel Wilkerson

I put this list together with my mentor...(it is a few books short, so if you have some recommendations...!) and it feels like a good fit. Eve Ensler reminds me why I want to write, I've been wanting to read something by Joan Didion for a while now, I learn so much from Anne Lamott (I even read her Facebook updates...they are almost always over 200 words..haha), I had lunch a few days ago with humble Naomi Benaron who won the 2010 Bellwether prize for her novel set in Rwanda, and Cheryl Strayed writes about hiking the whole PCT by her-freakin-self (my dream!...only minus the alone part.)

My new mentor, Erin Kaplan, says she'll teach me to do a solid book review. I will post my attempts here. The LA intensive is almost over, just one more day...

the distance of fiction or the nude truth.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to do a reading here at Antioch, to share something I've written--a piece of creative non-fiction, probably an essay. I don't know what to read. Do I read something safe, something tidy? Do I read something a little edgy, slightly open? Something sad, something that's supposed to be funny? Do I tell some secrets? Or a few lies... maybe I could read a piece of fiction?!?

LA and the changes.

I'm back in LA for writing school this week. I do love LA for many reasons. Sometimes I'm too boiled by traffic and pollution to feel very loving....but I'm curious here and engaged by the inventive, open, and progressive experiment that LA is. Oh and I love riding my bike through traffic, claiming a place in all of it.

I am staying with my Swedish relative Jeanette, and her husband Rene. They live two miles from my school and a few miles from the beach.  This morning as Jeanette sliced thin yellow sheets off of the block of cheese for our toast, she told me that Swedish fathers always keep the block close, to prevent their children from carelessly slicing the block into a "ski-slope." I am so grateful for their sweet hospitality.

My classmates and I come in from all over the world--Paris, Geneva, the East Coast, Indonesia. A lot can happen in six months and the obvious changes are discussed first--a lady tells me my hair is longer, a professor comments to a woman about her significant weight loss, and I notice the girl in translation seminar has changed her hair from peroxide white to electric pink.  Other changes are more subtle, have been more gradual and will come out in writing, in poems, and the days to come.